ARIES: Everyone thinks you’re being overdramatic, but when an octopus gets upset, it eats itself. THAT’s overdramatic!
TAURUS: Due to the hardened scab, which has formed over your nihilistic psyche, you can only cry this month by chopping onions.
GEMINI: You’re alarmed when you notice that the whole world is shrinking, but you’re even more concerned by the fact you appear to be shrinking at exactly the same rate!
CANCER: Never stop pushing yourself. Some people say 8 hours of sleep is plenty. But why stop there? Strive for 9! Strive for 12! Strive for greatness!
LEO: You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Kim Jong-un.
VIRGO: A tall, dark, devilishly handsome stranger waltzes into your life, waltzes right past you, and continues waltzing.
LIBRA: Your friends will remark that you’ve hit a new low, even for you. Which is depressing, as they clearly haven’t listened to a single thing you’ve done.
SCORPIO: This month you fluctuate between four moods: I’m too old for this sh*t, I’m too tired for this sh*t, I’m too sober for this sh*t, and I don’t have time for this sh*t. Yep, your month is basically sh*t.
SAGITTARIUS: Your old solution isn’t going to work on your new problem. Try drinking twice as much of it.
CAPRICORN: Capricorn? You thought you were Capricorn? No, you’re Capri-Sun. You know, like the bagged drink? Full of sugar and additives…
AQUARIUS: Sunsets really are the best, aren’t they? MUCH better than sunrises, which happen way too early in the day to get drunk to.
PISCES: Your maternal instinct comes to the fore, when you find an injured baby boar in the country park, and take it home to feed your kids with.
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