ARIES: It’s true that God created you in his likeness. Unfortunately, God was feeling particularly negative about Himself that day.
TAURUS: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be severely tested by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed Triads, green taxi queues, dogs in prams, spam phone calls, Mainland tourists with better English than you, a Londoner, have ever had, and the passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.
GEMINI: Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romance in your pants, but the stars assure you it’s merely decorative.
CANCER: An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great! And you are the problem.
LEO: You’re a firm believer that travel broadens the mind, which is one reason you haven’t ventured outside of Po Toi O for fifteen years.
VIRGO: Nothing of note will happen to you this month, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest.
LIBRA: Wires, connections, switches, plugs, hot burning sensations, melted shoes, screaming kids, snotty faces. It’s all a nightmare! And it’s moving in!
SCORPIO: Celebrity Virgos include Ned Stark, Viserys Targaryen, Robert Baratheon and–have you noticed a pattern here? You’re not really in this one long-term.
SAGITTARIUS: You’ll undergo the kind of stress that would break a lesser woman. This is especially true if you’re a Sagittarian man.
CAPRICORN: With four planets crowded in your Twelfth House, no one could blame you if you’ve been thinking about downsizing.
AQUARIUS: You’re forced to concede that being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in a canteen at a mental hospital.
PISCES: Your month will be so varied, interesting, and surprising that eventually the coroner will just give up, shrug, and write “heart failure” in the spot marked “Cause of Death.”
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