ARIES: Your biggest mistake wasn’t assuming that there was some kind of secret to life. It was assuming that it was the kind of secret that would make your life bearable.
TAURUS: You’ll attend a support group for forgetful people and introduce yourself as Larry. “Hi Rita!” the others greet you.
GEMINI: They say you have a head for numbers, but that’s only because ‘head for tumors’ isn’t really a saying.
CANCER: The stars apologize for last month’s prediction of “money problems”. Looks like they forgot the k in there.
LEO: You’ll soon possess the courage of 10 men and the STDs of 60.
VIRGO: The stars foresee a job promotion, though they should probably be telling that bloke Dave in HR about it, not you.
LIBRA: Your creativity will be at an all-time high, much to the dismay of your wife, the vacuum cleaner salesman, and the dozen or so poodles.
SCORPIO: You’re no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the chickens feet hanging on your walls.
SAGITTARIUS: Things will suddenly look up this month before baring their teeth, rearing up on their hind legs, and leaping at your throat.
CAPRICORN: You may not be a wealthy man, or a rich man, or a prosperous man, or a man. But you do have a mastery of English-language synonyms.
AQUARIUS: Your irrelevance becomes clear and you will experience a new sense of freedom.
PISCES: Your quest to become the World’s Greatest Lover will be derailed, as you continue to meet potential partners who think you’d make a really good parent.
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