ARIES: In the end, you won’t wish you’d done anything differently. You’ll just wish you hadn’t had to do anything at all.
TAURUS: Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the HKSAR.
GEMINI: Despite seemingly insurmountable odds, you’ll once again manage to talk your way out of sounding sane at a PTA meeting.
CANCER: The alignment of the stars and the planets can only mean one thing: you’re looking at a very simplistic, two-dimensional model of our solar system.
LEO: You’ll finally get your sweaty hands on a great wad of dirty money, resulting in your arrest and immediate dismissal from your job as an HSBC cashier.
VIRGO: You’ll soon stumble upon the secret to a happy marriage – a secret so simple, you’ll take perverse pleasure in keeping it from your spouse.
LIBRA: You believe you’re cultured because you know the difference between a latte and a cappuccino. The rest of us know there is none.
SCORPIO: After days of grave and anxious discussion, the stars have decided that it’s better you don’t know.
SAGITTARIUS: You will soon get a nicer job selling higher-quality chopsticks to a better class of eater.
CAPRICORN: You need the toilet more than other star signs. Apart from that, you are hardworking, patient, reliable, and dull as hell.
AQUARIUS: Love ends, sometimes bit by bit, sometimes suddenly, but it does end. That said, it’s unusual for it to drive off the pier like that.
PISCES: It costs nothing to be a kind person. Wrap up some air, smile at the kids, and explain that this Christmas.