ARIES: Avoid making decisions based on ambiguous advice from questionable sources, even if she was in labour with you for 38 hours.
TAURUS: Your mother claims she never raised a liar for a son, but then what else do you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret PLA project?
GEMINI: Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic.
CANCER: When your lover starts wearing more clothes to go to bed than to go to work, it’s a good sign that your happiness is close to being expunged. This month will see the start of such bizarre occurrences.
LEO: Historically, Leo has always been associated with greatness. Many of history’s most powerful figures were born in Leo. Famous Leos include: Scooby Doo, Napoleon and the MTR.
VIRGO: Don’t blame Christmas. You were fat in November.
LIBRA: It’s simply not true that nice Dr. Loo would allow you to die in order to harvest your organs. You’ll be dead, all right!
SCORPIO: Although the majority of those born in Scorpio are so-so people, like any star sign or McDonald’s meal, there are always a few rancid nuggets. If you yourself are a murderous psychopath, you will already know this to be true because even if you weren’t born in Scorpio, the voices in your head were.
SAGITTARIUS: You’re the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don’t get caught out without a complete set of dental picks.
CAPRICORN: You’re not usually one to brag, but you haven’t had a mood-swing in, like, minutes!
AQUARIUS: You thought true love would last forever, but you’re shocked to discover an expiration date printed on the back, just below all the consumer warnings.
PISCES: Fly by the seat of your pants this month, or go commando and sink like the Star Ferry at 8pm on Tuesday.
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