Sadie’s Horoscopes

horo1You rarely say one thing and do another. You usually do the wrong thing and don’t discuss it. Other star signs can never point this out to you unless we want our kidneys pulled out through our sinuses. You love Pisceans because Pisceans make you feel grounded. This month you will use guns to describe philosophical concepts.

horo2This month you eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures you don’t understand. Asked why and you’ll mumble something about solidarity. You are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us consider to be absolute bull. You are the only sign on the zodiac to be able to explain the difference between a cappuccino and a latte. The rest of us know there is none.

horo3You are quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether you know it or not, you are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. You’d breast-feed the world if you could. This trait is not gender-specific.

horo4You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is CY Leung. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo.

horo5This month you are most likely to die while drinking in Poets. That is, of course, unless you live with a Cancer.

horo6Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. You think that this makes you both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that you are tight- arsed and nit-picky. This month will, sadly, be no exception.

horo7This month you are loud and opinionated. You seek to offend and see the world in 50 shades of black and white. Famous Sagittarians include the MTR.

horo8You love a party. Anytime, anywhere is your motto. This month it’s not unlikely that you’d consider a funeral a great place to pick up chicks or chaps. Knowing you, probably both.

horo9You drive funny cars. You often drive them into trees or buildings. This month you will find water signs pushy and overbearing. You will have to speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as you are nearly always talking to yourselves. You often pick animated arguments with yourself in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and Wilbur Wright.

horo10This month it is easy to freak you out. Watching someone who hasn’t flossed will freak you out. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a polite euphemism for ‘Virgo’. Jack Nicholson was probably a Virgo in the first half of “The Shining”. After that, he went all Leo.

horo11Your No 1 grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens or been the victim of a government conspiracy. You have strong sex drives because it gives you yet another opportunity to smoke. You are often hairy and feel that this makes you more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women.

horo12This month you will love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but then fight with waiters and physically attack billboards. You were a concrete parking bollard in at least two of your past lives.

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