As an Aries, you make life decisions as a toddler. You marry several times for funnies but never divorce. This week, your spouse will have a freak accident resulting in death or crippling injury.
You’re very earthy, which means that you don’t shower as often as most people. This week, you’ll like to psychoanalyze your friends, despite having no real experience with life in general.
You are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for “I’m okay, I’m okay.”
You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Nachos and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers.
You need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, you can’t find any because everyone thinks you’re an irritating punk. You use yourself as an example in order to describe philosophical concepts.
There is no polite way to say it. You are a pain in the ass. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched.
You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You also can’t make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide.
You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. This week, many Scorpios will find ways to successfully smoke in the shower.
You are born adventurers. You like smashing spiders with your bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. You would rather sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way.
Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why most people hate them. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time.
You use the phrase “Dude, man…” frequently when describing philosophical concepts. You will enjoy out-of-body experiences on an almost daily basis.
While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. Your tools of debate are non-sequiturs, and, of course, crying.
Artwork by Charlotte Farhan www.charlottefarhanart.com