YOU COULDN’T MAKE IT UP: Social media plague: Sai Kung’s ever-loving councillors set out to save residents from themselves

By Nathan Noodle

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Photo credit: Obiter-Dicta

The brains trust behind SAI KUNG BUZZ applauds the decision of the Sai Kung District Council to save residents from themselves: We refer of course to the devastating Social Media Plague (SMP).

BUZZ reports with satisfaction that our good Councillors will ban connecting to Facebook, Twitter, WeChat, WhatsApp and the rest of that daft stuff while walking along streets, footpaths, pedestrian crossings or parks from July 1. SMP must be stopped, we say. Councillors, headed by dapper George, are to be praised for their perspicacity.

 

Limits must be imposed on i-phone addicts “for their own safety”, Community Social Wellbeing and Harmony Committee chairperson Chewy Fong said. “They keep bumping into lamp-posts, head-butting innocent pedestrians, tripping over pavements, walking in front of startled motorists and stumbling down steps, suffering all manner of injuries and indignities,” she said. “We’re even seeing one or two a day comically tumble into the harbour, completely oblivious to the obvious risk of getting a soaking when you don’t pay attention near water. “On top of everything else, Mona Fong clinic can not cope with the influx of bruised and battered SMP victims. This is the human cost of the calamitous ‘new millennium’ pandemic scourging Sai Kung,”said Chewy, getting frothy. “In my opinion these twits who tweet twiddle twattle on the street are twagic twerps.” (Try saying that with a mouthful of curry, Ed.)

Under our sainted District Council’s new measures, offenders who focus obsessively on social media websites while ambling along will face an immediate fine of HK$100. On conviction for a second offence, there will be no mercy.  They “should face something unspeakably barbaric, like those savages do in the Middle East, except within the Basic Law,” Chewy said.

Local residents insist the Regional Services Department should back the ruthless crackdown – by diverting its gormless squad of petty street-law enforcers from harassing struggling cafés and bars for having outdoor tables, to confiscating i-phones from anyone caught clandestinely tweeting. The operation will be under-written by mysterious local Norwegian businessman Shell Tolo, 22, who has negotiated a re-export agreement selling impounded gadgets in Nigeria. “It will be a win-win situation for all,” he said. “Sai Kung gets saved from the SMP plague (that’s an unnecessary redundancy, Ed.), at no cost to the authorities, with easy money for me.” Campaigners say the welcome new ruling by our ever-loving Councillors should be celebrated with a new public holiday called “Get a LOL Life Day”. But cellphone addicts we hear are terrified at the prospect of losing their precious virtual life-support systems. They have all been witlessly SMSing each other: “OMG”

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